Dying to Live or Living to Die.

I just finished reading this. After the tears dried I wanted to put it here and share it whith whomever may read this blog. I *needed* this in a certain way. You know? there have always been misterious ways and paths that lead me to the words I need to read …or hear. Sometimes I don´t even have to search for them, they come to me. If you have time, read it without pre-conceptions... just with an open mind and an open heart.


Dying to Live or Living to Die.

By Randy Gage @ randygage.com

February 7th, 2009

I’m doing something unusual today, in that I’m going to post the “Randy’s Rants” newsletter that went out today. I have been deluged with messages on the impact it has had on people. And I realize that not all of you blog readers gets the Rants. And I think the message is an important one for success and prosperity. I wish it was a happier message, but that’s not how all life lessons come. -RG


Dying to Live or Living to Die…
I was cruising up I-95 in the Aston with the top down; Jonny Lang wailing through the speakers.

Why am I fighting to live;
If I’m just living to fight?
Why am I trying to see;
When there ain’t nothing in sight?
Why am I trying to give;
When no one gives me a try?
Why am I dying to live;
If I’m just living to die?

It’s one of his most haunting and poetic songs and one of my all-time favorites. But on this day, it made me very melancholy. Last weekend, my friend Carol killed her father, and then took her own life. He had been ill for a long time and had wanted to die. But that didn’t make it any less heart wrenching or shocking.

Obviously Carol was in great pain herself, and didn’t want to continue. She had a back injury and other health challenges recently and couldn’t help her sister Gail much to care for their father. I didn’t walk in her shoes, so can’t judge her or know what finally drove her to this extreme. But I do know that this is a sad and tragic end to a life that once shone brightly. And that wounds my heart and saddens my soul. I will miss my friend and always wonder what might have been.

Sometimes I wish for the arrogance of the fundamentalists, with their smug certainty of their guaranteed salvation. But alas, I can only hope that Carol and her father are in a better place, a kinder space.

I do know that death has saved them from more pain. But while that gives those of us left behind some degree of solace, there is still that gnawing hunger of what might have been.

I never met my father, so Father’s Day was reserved for my Grandfather on my Mother’s side. But he’s been gone for some years now. So every June I walk by the Hallmark display, but I have no one to buy a card for.

My grandmother is gone now too, so I have just one card to send for Mother’s Day in May. And I fear the day will come when I won’t have that either. And as much as I fear that, I fear the opposite even worse. Because no mother should ever have to bury her child.

The other day, my entire extended family met at Disney World. There were so many of us we had to take five cars. As is often the case in Florida, a summer shower came and drenched us. So we all ran to the cars, to go back to the hotel.

Then I noticed that Grandma wasn’t in any of the cars. So I sent everyone back and I waited alone for her. Finally I saw her standing alone, under a cloud. She had a rain poncho on and wanted to stay. So I agreed to walk in the rain through Disney World, just her and I.

But then I woke up, and it was a cold winter day, and the raindrops were really teardrops. What I wouldn’t give for the chance to walk in the rain with her one more time.

Today I am sad. But if you ask me most days, I’ll tell you I’m the happiest person I know. I love life, and I love my life. Each and every day I celebrate the blessings I have.

But it wasn’t always that way…

I have a journal from more than 15 years ago. No one else on the planet has ever seen it, or ever will. But it’s a suicide note.

Written in the depth of despair, when life simply seemed too arduous, too difficult, and too painful to endure any longer.

Had I acted upon that impulse then, I would have missed falling in love in Paris, flying the Concorde, and winning a World Series. I would have been cheated of some spectacular sunsets in Key West, winning the Viper shootout, and long nights talking with good friends until 4 am. I would have never heard Dmitry Hvorostovsky, rode an elephant, or seen my nieces and nephews grow into young adults.

I would have missed many of the things that make a life worth living…

I can’t tell any of this to my friend Carol anymore, so I’m telling you. If you are in pain, face seemingly insurmountable challenges, or wonder if things will ever change for you, all I can say is, please hang on, at least for another day.

You have gifts that no one else in the world can offer. You have skills you don’t even know you possess, love you haven’t experienced yet, and hope that has your name upon it.

There are songs you have yet to sing, dances you are meant to dance, and stories that only you will be able to tell.

If you’re facing financial challenges, I promise you they can be solved. Knowing what I now know about prosperity, I am shocked at how easy wealth can be manifested when your mind is right. If this is an issue for you, please go to http://www.randygage.com/ebook.html and download an electronic copy of my book, “Accept Your Abundance” at no charge.

If you’re facing medical challenges or pain, know that science is advancing every day at an exponential rate. There are bionic limbs, breakthroughs in stem cell research, and diseases being cured all the time.

If you suffer from severe depression, find a medical professional to help you. It may even be something as simple as a chemical imbalance that can be corrected with acupuncture, a change in diet, or medication.

A trained counselor can help you through unresolved issues of abuse, abandonment, or trauma. If money is an issue, there are mental health programs offered from the government, or seek help from a spiritual advisor.

If your heart is broken, it means you have the capacity to love and are loving! There is someone special out there, waiting to meet you.

As I look back on my life now – I wouldn’t change one single thing. I have loved and lost, failed in more businesses than I can count, faced almost certain death, fought drug and alcohol dependencies, and stared down many personal demons. And all of these things made me stronger, gave me wisdom, and allowed me to love. These challenges molded me, as yours are molding you.

There are joyous, wonderful experiences awaiting you, but you have to be here to receive them. Yes, it is darkest before dawn, but the dawn will always break through.

Please. If you’re still reading this far, you’re not ready to go yet. Many of us will miss Carol. And we don’t want to miss you.

So I’ll keep fighting to live;
Till there’s no reason to fight.
And I’ll keep trying to see;
Until the end is in sight.
You know I’m trying to give;
So come on give me a try.
You know I’m dying to live;
Until I’m ready to die.

And now, for the rest of you…

Most of you reading this are not contemplating suicide. But what are you doing with the gift of life you have now? When are you going to stop phoning it in, and start living your life out loud, in color and BIG?

Call someone today and tell them you love them. Pay the toll for the car behind you. Tip the waitress stupid money. Stay up all night. Send someone flowers. Send yourself flowers. Notice the stars.

Start that book, screenplay or opera you’ve been talking about for years. Go to a scary movie and stop starring in one. Take a chance. Take a risk.

Make love with the lights on. Make wild bed-breaking sex with the lights off. Unplug the TV for a month. Next time you go out to eat, order a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with a large chocolate milk.

Please. Live life. Live YOUR life.

And make it a life worth living.

- RG

My last conversation with Love

My last conversation with Love. **

by *Star*

Love came to my bedroom last night and laid down next to me. We remained in silence for hours. He didn’t say anything. I didn’t say anything either. Then, when the night was still dark, and knowing in advance what he was going to ask me I said: - So, what are you doing here? I thought I told you not to come here anymore.

He said: - I miss you. I miss you deeply! You used to care about me. I’m hungry. You haven’t fed me lately and I’m thirsty. Why are you doing this to me? I remember you said that I was the most special Love in your whole life, and that you were going to feed me and give me water every day for ever. So? What happened? Seriously, I’m hungry. I’m thirsty. I can’t live like this.

I said: - Yes, I know, and I remember what I said, but I can’t feed you anymore. Neither can I give you water, because you’ll be still hungry but you’ll be alive for a long time and it will be more painful for you and for me. And I know about pain, believe me, and ask my broken heart if you don’t!

- But I will die!! ! You promised many things! You are being cruel! - He said

- I couldn’t be sadder and you know it Love. I am not a woman who leaves Love abandoned. I am not a woman who doesn’t feed and nurture Love. I would give anything for you Love. But I want you to understand that I just can’t, because if I do, you, Love, will live for ever but I will die of sadness and madness.

Love was upset and stood up. Walked around my bed for a while, in silence, and then sat down in the corner of my bedroom. He was crying, just as I was crying. We were running out of tears.

Love was sad. So sad, for him and for me, and he tried to give me hope that 'the one' would come back and then Love could live with us. He tried to convince me that because I thought I had been a good person, and because I loved him so much and cared so much about him, 'the one' would keep me in his heart and he would come back someday. He tried to convince me of many really stupid things, for hours...

I knew Love was saying all those things because he was hungry and thirsty. So I paid little attention to what he was saying. All I said was - No, I won’t feed you. No I won’t give you water.

Just before dawn, and after we had remained in silence for he last hour, he looked at me and said: -Are you sure you want me to die?

I said: - Love, you know I don’t want you to die, but I have to let you die. Because I need to be “alive”. That means that you have to remain in silence for the rest of your life and understand that when the time comes, and you are dying I will not do anything to save you. I’m not pretending that you, Love who knows me the best, will agree or understand this I’m doing, but I’m telling you in advance, so you are warned of what is going to happen to you and how you are going to die.

He said: - But I’m hungry! Please, please, feed me, at least give me a small glass of water! I’m alive now. So alive... please don’t let me die!

I said: - I gotta go to work.

***************************************

** I wrote this a while ago. And after all... I can´t say Love *dies* as an animal or a plant or a person ... maybe it was just *transformed*. I do have to say though, that I had to put immense amounts of effort to let it slowly be *transformed* into something different than the profoundest hate. Maybe *that* was my lesson.

ABSOLUT Zoloft.

Be careful when taking psychiatric medications. If it is possible, please consider other kind of treatment. Love yourself. love your body, love your brain cells.

This is not a subject that I usually bring up in a conversation or when I meet somebody, or with my friends or relatives. It´s painful and it brings up memories that eventhough are healing, they still *itch*. In fact, I rarely speak about this, but if there is one single person who is going to get any kind of benefit from this, or is going to try other kind of healing therapy, it´s worth it.

I took Zoloft for almost two years back in 1994. I was suffering from very deep and difficult to handle depression and anxiety. All I remember from that time is that I wanted to die. No more. That was all I thought about all the time. I started a psychiatric treatment after being one week at the clinic, sedated all the time, because they thought I´d try to kill myself. I didn´t try to kill myself and I don´t think I would have been able to try it, even if I wanted to die, it was something different to commit suicide. But it was horrible. After leaving the clinic I started going to the psychiatric therapy sessions, and started taking zoloft and other medication for anxiety. It was like this for almost one year. But as time passed by, I didn´t like how my treatment for depression and anxiety was developing and I *decided* to quit one day. I was feeling *OK*, and I was doing very very good at the Design School. In that year, my end of term collection won a place for a recognised and important fashion show. I felt *motivated* by all that was happening and as I was feeling *OK*, I just quit the medication. I never told my psychiatrist that I was not taking it, and I stopped going to the therapy sessions. I didn´t know that Zoloft ( as many psychictric medication) had to be withdrawn by degree. The outcome? 12 years of something *very close* to BPD ( Borderline Personality Disorder) without any kind of treatment and even worst, any kind of knowledge of what was going on in my brain or in my spirit. There is a lot of information one can find nowaydays, just use google search and you´ll get thousands of sites.

I know that sometimes the psychiatric medications are indispensable and can/must not be replaced with other kind of treatment , but it depends on the level of depression and anxiety, any other mental disorders on the patient, background, etc. And of course that has to be assessed by professionals, and not by friends or relatives. Or... even worst, you must not try to solve it by yourself. No, it doesn´t work like that. The lack of information on this kind of things , how does your brain work, what are the substances that it needs to *work* in *harmony* often causes worst damages. For example, without needing to go too far, I tried in a certain stage of this past 12 years to *find something to make me feel better*. And how intelligent I was!! I tried to do it with alcohol or drugs. Ehm... you´re right, it was not a solution. It only made things worst.

I was becoming an alcoholic, and I was spending all my money buying alcohol, and after two very bad episodes with alcohol, I said to myself that I had to stop drinking or else I´d end up in a rehab center (in the best case scenario). When I was drinking alcohol in those doses I was even more depressed the next day... and the following week. *sigh*. I decided to stop... *someone* inside , call it whatever you want, said, stop, think, this is not the way to feel better.

Another source of *non-voluntarily induced-depression* (as I call it), is the medicines I have to take for the migraines. I´ve had migraines since I was in high school. They have gotten worst through the years, and the progress of the medicine and science have given us, the people who suffer from migraines, a wide range of medications to stop the pain and the symptoms. And yes, they stop the pain, and some of them relieve the symptoms, but the next day... I feel depressed. They lower the levels of serotonin in my brain just as alcohol does. Right, another day, another week of depression...

I had a very bad depression and anxiety phase a few months ago, and I knew how it would develop if I didn´t do something about it. I didn´t want chemicals inside my body , intoxicating it, and I didn´t want to be like a " zombie" again, erasing the memory of those times, just as I was when I took Zoloft. *I decided* (and this time was the best decision) to look for a different treatment. I found a Therapist who has experience not only in the scientific part of a therapy but in alternative medicine with spiritual, and energetic healing therapies. He is also working at a rehab center for drug-addicts and alcoholics. And as you can imagine or know if you ´ve even been in a AA therapy, he´s not a *sweet lollipop*. The therapy is not nice, he has been very hard on me. There were days when I just wanted to kick him. That is just the result of being stubborn with *me*. Reluctant to accept and change translated into harder therapy sessions. But now it´s different. I understood. *sigh*.

Now, after almost four months of a "not very easy" therapy, and really putting all my efforts to overcome the depression without chemicals, also receiving not only answers but natural and excellent remedies for my body and my soul, I am getting better every day.

Alternative Medicine and Spiritual healing therapies might not work as fast as a pill of Zoloft or any other psychiatric drug taken every day, and they are not going to make you *feel-super-good* instantly like the *zesty boost* coming from drugs like speed or cocaine, or *super-mega-good* like Ecstasy, but for my own experience and opinion, the pill of Zoloft is, as the other chemical substances, only a *theatre mask* and does not solve the *real* problems. It is just a way to avoid the confrontation with yourself, with your own life, with your own flaws, with your own problems, with your past and your present and who you really are and who you want to be. That was all I got from those 12 years. Evasion. I was evading ME. My relationships at work were a disaster, my relationships with men were a bigger disaster.

I was so afraid of being alone with myself that I was not completely *me* and I *thought I needed* attention and care in extremes. I was alone most of the past years, but was not paying attention to *me*. And I was so scared to be left alone because I couldn´t find myself. Now that I have been through all this and that I know that I am a complete human being, that I don´t *need* a person to complete me, now I know I am a woman with no fears of being alone, with no fears of being *just me*, and with a lot of things to give to my family, my friends and a partner. I know that I can not search for something that I am not giving to myself in another person. This particular subject is extremely painful now, because the darkest days are gone, but the man I love has also gone.

I haven´t met anyone who can tell me the opposite about the use of chemicals to solve depression issues. All that *super-mega-happiness* or the *cool* efect of psychiatric drugs are fake. Fake happiness, fake harmony, fake wellness. It´s walking backwards, there is no road ahead. There is no light at the end of the tunnel. Only darkness, or, what it is in most of the cases and very sad, numbness and stupidity, a waste of *life* , a waste of all the talents and gifts that were given to us. The waste of the power and the beauty we have inside.

I have to acknowledge though, that depression is not just *sadness* that goes away with a *happy* motivation, it is a lot more than that, I am aware of the fact that depression might have genetic, familial, biochemical, physical, psychological, and social causes on a different level of input on each person, but I am happy and thankful, and I have been blessed, to have been receiving spiritual guidance and have been using natural medicine. But all this happened because I wanted to leave my black hole and I asked for help. The Light, the change, the help, don´t come if you don´t ask for them.

I wanted my body to be clean of chemicals, and my spirit to be free. I work on finding the key of the handcuffs I put to my spirit so I can set it free, the work on *changing me* hasn´t been easy....( who wants to admit and accept he was wrong, exercised poor judgment, made a lot of mistakes) I´ve become more aware of my flaws, but also more aware of how blessed I am, how much love I have to give and how much I can learn.

The path I have to follow is like a path of snow, I have to make the footsteps... and the path is hard to see. But this is growing, learning, changing, giving, loving ...

After all, where are we headed when we can´t see the Light, when our spirit is not well and nurtured but to a neverending cycle of going inside and outside our black holes...I hope you can all find a Spiritual Guide who can guide you to the Light.

LOVE. <3

Me.

...it´s about how hard you can get hit, and keep moving forward...

Nine ways to keep moving forward in life

by Alex Blackwell @ the BridgeMaker

"Around here we don’t look backwards for very long. We keep moving forward, opening up new doors and doing new things.” – Walt Disney

Life can hit hard. Sometimes you get knocked down when you don’t even see it coming. Some are cheap shots, some are glancing blows and some can bring you to your knees. When this happens, it’s not about how hard you get hit; it’s about how hard you can get hit, but still find the strength to keep moving forward. It’s about having the will to continue in spite of the obstacles.
It is interesting where inspiration can be found at times. Our son, Andrew, received the Rocky Series for Christmas. This DVD set contains all six Rocky movies. Over the holidays, I had an opportunity to watch the last movie in the series, Rocky Balboa, with my son. The movie contains a very poignant scene between Rocky and his son. The message Rocky delivers is one of hope, courage and determination when life hits hard:





This scene is a great reminder that character is not defined by what happens to you, but rather by how you react to what happens to you. When you get hit, do you stay down? Or do you reach down somewhere deep inside of you and pull up the courage that lifts you back on your feet to keep moving forward? You do have a choice. Consider these Nine Ways to Keep Moving Forward when you are faced with this choice again.

Forget Regret
Leave your mistakes and regret in the past. They don’t define your value, then or now. When you stay in the past you become stuck and unable to move forward. We all have made mistakes with our job choices, friends and relationships. The consequences can hit us pretty hard. However, to begin learning how to put these experiences behind us – by letting them go, we can begin to live in the here and now. Give yourself the gift of forgiveness and keep moving forward.

Learn from Failure
Learning from failure and having regret are two separate things. Regret is an emotion; a feeling of disappointment along with a modest amount of shame or guilt. But to look back at a circumstance and figure out what went wrong gives you some very important information. This review allows you to evaluate what worked and what didn’t, and more importantly, why. Often when you are removed from a situation, you can look at it more objectively which will allow you to make better choices to keep moving forward.

Ask for Help
You are not alone. It may feel that way sometimes, but there are many people who would extend their hand and lift you up if asked. All you have to do is ask. Consider co-workers, neighbors, or your church. Often times we are afraid to ask because we don’t believe we are worthy to receive the help. Think about this: we are surrounded by millions and millions of people by design - for a purpose. A hand to grasp, a shoulder to cling, and a face to radiate hope can help you to keep moving forward.


Believe You are Worthy
Whatever your goal, your dream, or your desire, you are worthy of achieving it. The closer you get to it is when the enemy of you soul will begin putting doubt in your mind by playing the self-limiting tapes that say you are not worthy. Replace these old tapes with a newer one that contains the truth – you are worthy to have your heart’s true desire and to keep moving forward.

Take 100% Responsibility
Except in rare and unfortunate circumstances, you are responsible for the quality and condition of your life. Your career, your relationships and your happiness are all under your direct control. Sometimes we choose to do nothing when we get hit hard because it’s just easier and less painful that way. But the real pain is only deferred. You have to live with yourself. You have to live with the voice in your gut, your inner wisdom, that says you gave up too soon or didn’t try hard enough. When you hear this inner voice speaking to you, it’s usually right. It’s your choice, then, to get up and keep moving forward.

Know What You Want
This isn’t about the how, only the what. In order to move forward in life, you need a firm foundation to step from. Understanding what and where you want to go in life will provide your vision and spirit – your foundation. The how will figure itself out when you know you want to keep moving forward.

Trust
There are no accidents without value. When you get hit hard and land on your back, look for the reasons and for the value in this. Open your heart and trust this happened for a reason. Perhaps it was to test your determination or to alert you to the fact you were on the wrong path. Either way, trust the experience is happening for a reason and be open to making adjustments in order to keep moving forward.

Want it More
How badly do you want it? How badly do you really want to achieve what you are working so hard to accomplish? When you get hit hard, you have an opportunity to answer this question. It’s one thing to say you want to do something, or to be something. But to walk through the pain; to get up and keep moving forward knowing there may be more pain ahead, is a test of your determination and resolve. When you find yourself getting back on your feet, you have indeed answered this question and there’s no doubt you will keep moving forward.

Keep the Faith
Faith: A strong belief in something without proof or evidence
At the end of the day when you are weary from all of the effort and energy you have expended and you are sore and tired from being hit hard so many times, but the dream is not realized, the one thing that tells you to keep going; to get up tomorrow and to keep moving forward, is your faith. Honor this and cherish it. Faith is what makes you human. It gives you energy and hope. And if you let it, your faith will deliver you to wherever you want to go in life.

Tools of Manifestation: Will Power

Tools of Manifestation: Will Power

From: Spiritual Experiences

Where fear is the number one killer of aspirations, will power is the number one creator of our dreams. It is listed here first under the process of manifestation because without it, you will have a far less chance of getting what you want. The difference between manifesting and wishing is 'will.' I can honestly say that will power alone will undo most of any person's negative programming. It is very true when they say, "Where there is a will, there is a way."

Calvin Coolidge stated that, "Will and determination are omnipotent." What makes this so? What is this special energy that can manifest our desires, even seemingly impossible ones? Ever wonder why the word "power" is followed by the word Will? They do not say "fear power" or "determination power" or "happy power."

Before we create something, we typically think of it (mental plane) and then give it energy (astral plane) then we can witness it (physical plane).

We can desire, like, and fear many things, and they will eventually come to us, but if we want something fast, or gain something that is perceived difficult, the will needs to be understood, developed and used.

How do we do that? First, we must understand will. Will is a powerful energy. This energy can be tapped into, enhanced, and trained to do as we wish. This powerful emotion is not to be confused with physical emotions related to chemicals such as endorphins, hormones, adrenalin, testosterone, etc. This is one of the strongest emotions a person can possess; yet it is natural. We can possess will even when out-of-body. This is what helps us transcend time, visit people of unknown destinations, heal, etc.

If you were to sit and think about something you yearned for, where did you feel that? For me, that is in my solar plexus or "gut."

The solar plexus is a chakra (also known as the Manipuraka --jewel of the Navel Chakra).

Here are the details on the solar plexus:

Location: Between the chest and the navel.
Color: Yellow (like the sun)
Attributes: The will, destiny, autonomy, determination, assertion, personal power, purpose and sight.

Now that we understand that will is directed through the solar plexus chakra, we can then start to direct more energies throughout the body by the mind.

I have several ways of doing this:

Coil Technique: Decide what you want. Then relax and reach a state of total relaxation. Feel your desire start to mount in your solar plexus. Then, imagine a golden coil coming out of your solar plexus and extending into the universe (see it sparkle with golden yellow dust...) Know that it is very magnetic. See what you desire attaching itself strongly to your coil. Bring your coil with attached objects back in through your solar plexus. KNOW that it is yours. This is very much a feeling process. You should feel as strongly as you are visualizing.

Fire Technique: As with the coil technique, decide what you want. Then relax and reach a state of total relaxation. Now, envision fire in your root chakra. See it blazing and swirling around. When you feel the heat, move the fire up your spine to your solar plexus. Start affirming a positive statement that you will have what you desire (example: I will get that raise.) Continue to feel it burn (remember, will is a burning feeling!)

The solar plexus is tied in with our emotions. Ịf we are anxious, we develop knots in our stomach. When we develop determination and will, we feel good about ourselves and develop the strength to overcome our personal obstacles. This is known as our personal fire. This fire is very powerful and provides us the drive to accomplish self-expression.

You will find that after doing this awhile, things will fall into place. Decisions will be made in your favor, "lucky" circumstances will be common, harmony between you and objects of your desire will resonate together (and what resonates together causes attraction).

Do not bring fear or doubt into this process. We manifest what we truly believe. Until you can believe in this process, you may want to refrain. It will do no good to walk through these steps, while thinking, " This is crazy, there is no way I can have that..."

Once you develop your will, you won't have to go through so much effort. You can then use it like a lightening bolt. Think of something you truly want, build a huge energy vortex in your solar plexus and just blast it out at the object you want. I have manifested instantaneously things I wanted once I developed this power, but it was only achieved with a clear, highly focused concentration of energy. This type of focus is very acute.